Monkey in the Middle

Remember the game Monkey inthe Middle? Well lately that is how my relationship feels with my father.

There is something going on that I am not aware of because there is literally no discussion of feelings by my father. I can only guess that he is angry or upset about something that Joel either did or didn't do. But since that is a territory that is not discussed, I can only guess.

It is sad because it is severely affecting my relationship. But it is also a can of worms that I am not sure I am ready or want to open.

A few weeks ago my dad went to the restaurant with some friends for breakfast. Joel came over to say good morning and how was everyone. My dad completely ignored him like he didn't even exist and made some very nasty comments to his friends about Joel. Now I will give my dad the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he didn't know Joel was standing there and that Joel could hear everything that was being said. But still, Joel's feelings were hurt and since that day has avoided all contact with my dad.

Last week my dad came downtown because he drove Elaine to work. He came to visit me in my office and I introduced him to everyone there. Then we went downstairs and had lunch. When the conversation steered toward Passover and what was he doing? I thought that Elaine and my dad were leaving town for the holidays. But he said that he was here. So I invited him to our house and I could see how uncomfortable he was in trying to answer me. He said that he was busy and that he and Elaine were having dinner with some of their "cronies." When I said that he should be with his family, he changed the subject.

Then last night Roger was in town and asked us to join them for dinner. Joel said that he just couldn't do it. So I went with the girls. They didn't want to go either but I said that they had to. At one point during dinner Rachel was teasing my dad about him buying her a car for her birthday. Well, that just opened up the flood gates.

My dad said, "I bought your mom a car so your dad should buy you a car." I lost it. I said, "No you didn't buy me a car. I never owned a car until I was married and that was the Monte Carlo that you asked me if I wanted on my wedding night and then proceeded to take all of my wedding money from me before we even left for the honeymoon." He disagreed with me and said that he bought me a station wagon. I said I never had a station wagon. And then I tuned out. I saw his lips moving and in my head it was as though my mom said to me, "you aren't going to win anything by arguing so just be quiet."

It was as though I was 15 years old again and I was reduced to getting punished because I was speaking out and expressing my mind.

Maybe that is why I have self confidence issues now and then.

Well, I really feel like I am stuck in the middle. My dad and Joel are on either side of me and that ball is being tossed above my head and I can't reach it.

I don't feel that there is any way to win this one, so I will just let it go because I love my husband and even though my dad makes it really difficult, I do love him too.