Treats

Lately, I have given myself permission to enjoy treats.  Usually, I will reward myself when I do something that I needed to do and procrastinated to get it done, and then finally accomplish it.

This morning, I had to go to two doctors' appointments. One was a breast exam at the OBGYN so that I can get a prescription for a mammogram.  The other, a rheumatologist for my osteoporosis.

At the second appointment, when I told the doctor that my shoulder is hurting once again, he asked me if I wanted a shot of cortisone.  I really don't like any medicines that aren't necessary, but this time I agreed so that I could be relieved of the pain that I get when I try to lift my arm too high and I can't sleep on my left side anymore.

So, as I was driving home, I decided that I needed a treat. The other day, I had made a batch of blueberry muffins because the blueberries weren't really sweet enough to eat and were a bit mushy.  So instead of throwing them away, I made muffins. 

They are so good, I know that I want to make this recipe again! This was the perfect treat with the balance of my coffee.  And of course, Newt was sitting there hoping that I would share.  But, nope, all for me!

Baby Steps

 

Before we learn to run, we first have to learn to walk. But first, we need to learn how to stand, strengthen our legs, and take that first step on our own.

Yes, this is all said as a metaphor, but it is true. When a person goes through a  life-changing event, a person just can't get up and keep going like everything is the same. First, a person needs to come to terms with that life-changing event and truly understand that this change is a permanent change. 

Once that reality sets in, then that person can figure out everything else.

I have had six months to allow the reality to sink in that Joel is really gone from my life. His memories will stay with me forever, but he is no longer here as my life partner. He is no longer here to talk to me, to make me laugh, to relax, and to do nothing together.  Am I sad, yes. But I am not devastated. 

Admitting to myself that I am okay has been one of many baby steps that I have taken. Thankfully, I have guidance from a therapist who deals with grief counseling on a daily basis.  She helps me talk about myself and my relationship with Joel. She asks very personal questions and sometimes if I don't have an answer, I think about it, and then we discuss it on our next call.

My first reaction in July, after Rachel and Noah went back to Indiana, was to keep as busy as possible. This way, I didn't have to think about how sad or lonely I was feeling.

But, little by little as I completed the daily tasks that I demanded of myself, I allowed the memories to flood back in. I realized that I was extremely lucky to have had not only 40 years of marriage to a person who knew me better than I knew myself but also has shared more than 50 years of friendship and memories of our childhood and adult years.

And now, I allow the other memories to ebb and flow.  There were tough years as well. Marriage is not an easy institution, it is hard work. We did have to work on the partnership on a daily basis.  Two people living together for so many years can cause friction because we naturally had differences of opinion and habits. 

But we always agreed that we would never go to bed angry. And we didn't.  If we had an argument, we stayed up and talked it through. There were tears and yelling over the years, but there was always love.  

And now that I am alone, and making my own decisions, I have to relearn who I am and figure out what I want to do with my future.

Baby steps.

I did take my first baby steps this weekend. I took a trip, by myself, to visit my cousin. It was only three days, and only over to St. Peterburg, but it might as well have been a month and across the country.  Just making the decision to travel during this COVID-19 pandemic was scary enough, but to do it alone was an accomplishment.

Today, I sit here thinking about how I feel about the trip and I feel accomplished. I feel renewed and I feel refreshed. This is only a little taste of what I hope to be doing when I retire. I really do love traveling, I love flying and I love exploring new locations.

Taking those baby steps have now emboldened me to continue my new life without Joel. He will always be with me, in my heart and my memories, but now it is time for Jody to fly.

A New Beginning

How many times in a lifetime do we have an opportunity to have a clean slate and start over?

Newly widowed, I am using this opportunity to look forward to the next chapter of my life to start all over. This time, I begin with 63 years of experience, a second career in the arts, and no debt.

I have spent the past six months working through the grieving process. Of course, I had plenty of assistance from my family and friends. But the best assistance was through Hospice, they offer support through therapy and group sessions to talk through the grief. I have a long way to go, but I do feel like the fog has lifted and I can see more clearly now.

I also spent the past few months settling my finances, paying off all debts on credit cards, working with my financial advisor to ensure that I can retire comfortably and be able to do whatever I choose, whether it is travel locally or abroad. I don't mean to be extravagant, that has never been in my nature. But I would like to splurge now and then. I do have a few places that I want to see -- Israel is one place, but I also hope to visit our national parks so that I can pursue my photography while traveling. The end result, I hope to exhibit my work again.

I also have gone to every doctor's appointment -- head to toe -- to make sure that my health is okay. I even went to the allergist to find out if I am allergic to the flu shot -- I am NOT! Next, I will find out if I am allergic to penicillin.  After that, I will take the shingles shot and eventually the COVID shot, whenever it becomes available to me.

However, the other day, I had a very odd feeling. I felt like, okay, I have done the finances, cleaned the attic and garage, checked on my health, and took a vacation to unplug.  Now what?

And, I didn't really have an answer. 

I have been thinking about it for several days. Still no definitive answer, but I do believe that I now have a clean slate, a chance for a brand new beginning. A chance to figure out who Jody really is.

I have never lived on my own. I went from living with my parents to moving to Indiana to attend college with Joel and then moving to Florida with Joel and then getting married one year later. 

Now, I have to live alone, technically.  Adina is still here, but she is applying for jobs and will eventually move out. I am alone most of the week. I still work at home and cook dinner for myself at least five nights a week. I am not comfortable eating at restaurants yet. Not because I am alone, but due to COVID, I am not taking any chances. 

Once COVID is under control and I have my vaccination, I will venture out and do more.  For now, I only go out to shop for food or to go to work when I have to -- like the Green Market or when we record our virtual programming.

But once ai am able to attend arts programming again, I will feel more normal, more like myself. I miss attending gallery openings and chatting with people, the artists, and arts administrators. I miss live theater. I miss concerts and museums. I am not alone in these feelings.

So as we begin 2021, I have really do have a clean slate. A clean and organized home. I am ready to take that first step forward. But in baby steps.

A Moment in Time

 

How do we define a moment in time.  Is it a minute, a day, or a year?

Well, for now, my moment is right this second. I am sitting on my blue couch in the den with my cat, Gracie, curled up between my leg and the arm of the couch. There is music playing on Pandora through Alexa. The ceiling fan is slowly paddling the cool air between my toes.  

If I turn to my right, there are Christmas lights entwined on the banister leading upstairs to the second floor and lights on the Christmas tree in the living room downstairs.

This is my peaceful moment, completely relaxed after almost one week of vacation. 

I recharge by doing what I want to do, whether it is cleaning out the file cabinet and scanning all the documents and then shred them and toss them in the trash. My goal is to get rid of the file cabinet.  Eventually, I will clean out most of the garage so that I can pull my car in at night. 

I recharge by eating well.  Now that I am doing all of the cooking for myself, I choose what I want. When I shop and get to the checkout counter, I am proud of all of the fresh fruit and vegetables that are gathered there as a testament to what I will be eating later in the day and week.

I recharge by binging on Netflix -- The Crown, Ozark, Schitt's Creek, Outlander, Anne of Green Gables. 

I recharge by visiting with my neighbors and share comforting conversations and glasses of wine. We laugh.  We reminisce.  We celebrate our health and good times.

I recharge by Zooming with my daughter or my friends and family. We can raise a glass together as if there were no pandemic.

I recharge by revisiting my photography and realizing how much I miss the process of finding the perfect subject to shoot while fretting that I will not find it. Then coming home to upload my images and sort through them to choose the one or two that I decide to post. Then I move on to write a blog post on my Project 365 site and sharing it on social media.

And these are my moments.  As my therapist has told me, if I only feel like doing one thing in a day, that is enough.

I do believe that I am finding my moment in time no matter how long or short it may be.