Yes, this is all said as a metaphor, but it is true. When a person goes through a life-changing event, a person just can't get up and keep going like everything is the same. First, a person needs to come to terms with that life-changing event and truly understand that this change is a permanent change.
Once that reality sets in, then that person can figure out everything else.
I have had six months to allow the reality to sink in that Joel is really gone from my life. His memories will stay with me forever, but he is no longer here as my life partner. He is no longer here to talk to me, to make me laugh, to relax, and to do nothing together. Am I sad, yes. But I am not devastated.
Admitting to myself that I am okay has been one of many baby steps that I have taken. Thankfully, I have guidance from a therapist who deals with grief counseling on a daily basis. She helps me talk about myself and my relationship with Joel. She asks very personal questions and sometimes if I don't have an answer, I think about it, and then we discuss it on our next call.
My first reaction in July, after Rachel and Noah went back to Indiana, was to keep as busy as possible. This way, I didn't have to think about how sad or lonely I was feeling.
But, little by little as I completed the daily tasks that I demanded of myself, I allowed the memories to flood back in. I realized that I was extremely lucky to have had not only 40 years of marriage to a person who knew me better than I knew myself but also has shared more than 50 years of friendship and memories of our childhood and adult years.
And now, I allow the other memories to ebb and flow. There were tough years as well. Marriage is not an easy institution, it is hard work. We did have to work on the partnership on a daily basis. Two people living together for so many years can cause friction because we naturally had differences of opinion and habits.
But we always agreed that we would never go to bed angry. And we didn't. If we had an argument, we stayed up and talked it through. There were tears and yelling over the years, but there was always love.
And now that I am alone, and making my own decisions, I have to relearn who I am and figure out what I want to do with my future.
Baby steps.
I did take my first baby steps this weekend. I took a trip, by myself, to visit my cousin. It was only three days, and only over to St. Peterburg, but it might as well have been a month and across the country. Just making the decision to travel during this COVID-19 pandemic was scary enough, but to do it alone was an accomplishment.
Today, I sit here thinking about how I feel about the trip and I feel accomplished. I feel renewed and I feel refreshed. This is only a little taste of what I hope to be doing when I retire. I really do love traveling, I love flying and I love exploring new locations.
Taking those baby steps have now emboldened me to continue my new life without Joel. He will always be with me, in my heart and my memories, but now it is time for Jody to fly.
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