9-11

I instisted that I wasn't going to watch any of the specials that would bring back the memories. But after I took a shower, flipped on the TV in the dressing area, poured my cup of green tea and sat down to put on my makeup, I had absolutely no choice but hear Matt Lauer say , "It is a somber day in lower Manhattan." As I turned my attention to the TV, Matt Lauer then took a deep breath and looked at the camera and I lost it. It was as though the past five years didn't even happen. I was transformed back to that horrible moment in time when America lost it's last bit of innocence.

I will always remember exactly where I was, what I was wearing, who I was with and what I was feeling. Just as I remember where I was when President Kennedy was shot and where I was when the Challenger exploded. Those life changing moments define a generation. Burns a memory into your brain with such precision that it almost hurts to think about it.

Five years ago, I was driving Rachel and Adina to school. I hear Matt Laurer and Katie Couric talking about an accident in progress. I heard their concern escalate. Joel kept calling me to tell me what he was seeing. I was getting more and more upset about what what happening. But I kept on driving. After I dropped the girls off at school I drove over to ArtServe for a meeting with Mary (my director) and my Cultural Information Center volunteers -- many of whom are transplanted New Yorkers like myself.

None of us could concentrate. We all wanted to call our relatives who still lived in New York. Mary tried very hard to keep the meeting moving, but no one was listening to us. Joel kept calling me to update me on the various events that were occuring at the Pentagon and then the other plane that might have been headed for the White House. Then he was describing the sickening site he was watching of the Twin Towers swaying and then ultimately falling. He was screaming all sorts of obsenities into the phone as he was descirbing these sites. Joel, was clearly shaken and was getting me equally as upset.

Finally, Mary got the call that the County was closing all public facilities and all staff should head home. It was a very scary feeling. Very helpless. Were we next? We sent our volunteers home. Everyone was hugging and crying. It was terribly emotional.

At 10 a.m. I went to school and quietly walked into the front office and just asked for Rachel and Adina. No one said anything. They just called the girls to the front office. I wasn't the only parent there.

I didn't even say a word to the girls until we were safely in the haven of our car and driving back home. Adina wanted to know why we were going home so early in the day. It took an ENOURMOUS effort to find my voice and the correct words to delicately tell my little baby girls what was happening in NY and Washington. The tears wouldn't come, but my throat hurt and my head was pounding.

Eventually, I did find the right words to tell them in simple terms what was going on. Rachel was 10 and Adina was six years old. It wasn't an easy task.

When we got home, we just huddled on the couch, the four of us. Just holding each other and watching the TV. We couldn't believe what we were seeing. It was completely surreal. We stayed there most of the day. I remember that I had expended so much emotion that I fell asleep as we cuddled there on the couch. I felt safe with my family with me.

All of those thoughts came rushing back to me as Matt Lauer let out that deep sigh. I just knew what he was feeling because I still feel it it too. It is hiding just under the surface always.